Scientists Living Apart

Rob got back from his work trip to Australia a few hours early yesterday, which was so exciting for us because it meant the boys got to see him before they went to bed.  It was an exhausting, long trip for him, but it was so good to see him because (a) I love him very much and missed him and (b) the boys love him very much and missed him and (c) it just makes life so much easier when he's around.  I realize when he's away that I rely on him so much, and I am much more organized and on top of things when he is gone.  It's because he's so capable at taking care of the kids and the house, doing the daily routines, and even (usually) staying on top of calendars and dates and school stuff, that I get a sense of complacency when he is here.  We don't sit down and communicate as much as we should, so things are actually probably less organized when he is around.  1+1 does not equal 2, because we both assume the other is doing things that we aren't, necessarily!  Time also flies by when he is here.  I am content to just spend time with him, even if it's doing mundane things.  But then later I will wonder where the time went.  Did we really just spend a whole weekend driving around and looking at rugs, but didn't buy anything??  I am happy just to be with him and the boys, and to have a little break from our hectic weekly schedule.  I'm sure the boys don't love driving around looking at rugs all weekend.  I also really missed having him around to talk to.  I guess I don't really have friends.  I mean, I have my old, lifelong friends, who would love to hear from me, but I usually don't have the energy for a long conversation.  I have lab friends and church friends who I chat with when I see them, and who could help me out in a pinch if I needed someone to help pick the boys up.  But I don't have those local friends that I could just go grab lunch with, go shopping with, get my nails done with, and just vent.  To tell stories about the sweet old shrimper I met at the auction, or the two dented chemical cabinets that were delivered to our lab within a week of each other.  These are things that Rob doesn't particularly care about, so I don't feel the need to tell him about in our 20 min Skype conversations.  But they are the things I tell him about when we are driving together, cooking together, just going through life together.  He travels a lot for work, and this is part of being a marine scientist.  I travel a good amount too, but he has projects in Bermuda and Santa Barbara and recently, this trip was an all-expenses paid opportunity to collaborate with one of the gurus of marine science.  In Perth.  Ugh.  This weekend when I was getting organized, I looked at the calendar for February and realized he is leaving again for Santa Barbara in less than 2 weeks.  Then he goes to Bermuda in March.  And again in July.  When we were driving to lunch today, he was telling me about a conference that's going to be in Japan next year, and how it's close in time to another conference in Australia.  I know what he's thinking - joint trip to Japan in Australia.  And I know what it will mean: 2-3 weeks of him on the other end of the Earth.  I told him he travels too much and he was quiet after that.

When we decided to leave Bermuda to pursue our careers back in the States, it was a very quick decision, and Rob had to leave Bermuda right away to get started in Alabama.  It was May, and I needed to stay until the end of June so that Ian could finish kindergarten, and to give myself some time to get our stuff packed and us moved.  International moves are no picnic.  So it was 6 weeks of living apart from Rob, plus the added stress of the move and finishing my job and transitioning to another, plus daily life with a then 5-year-old and 2-year-old.  My mom came to help for 2 weeks, which was awesome.  But mainly, I just really missed Rob.  It stressed me out so much to be away from him for that long.  It was hard on the kids.  Plus we had the added emotions of leaving friends and the beautiful island we had come to love.  But mostly, I missed Rob, and hated having our family divided.  I think ever since that time, it has been really hard for me to be apart from him.  I know that I could never live apart from my family for any extended period of time (some scientists do this temporarily while they are starting new jobs or finishing another).  I would rather sacrifice my own job possibilities and take a different job (even if not in my field) just to be in the same geographic location as my family.  And over time, I would get frustrated that my career was being stunted, but it would take me a while to come to this conclusion (for example, Bermuda).  :)  And we would find a way to make it work, together.